I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
