once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
