I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
