I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
