your thong is hanging out like whoa
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
