I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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