true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
