why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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