just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize