pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize