Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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