I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
