I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
operation have a gay friend backfired
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
