Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
