I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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