my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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