I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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