It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize