i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We talked him into tasing himself.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
