god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just pee around me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
