a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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