Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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