i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
