Apparently you make a good broom.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize