Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
