Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
