yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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