Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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