I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
