Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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