If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
