Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
