I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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