hotel room ftw
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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