checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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