Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
