now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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