I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
