i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
