What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
