My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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