I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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