i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
