Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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