Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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