My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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