he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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