You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
