i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
