someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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