Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
