she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
