I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
