when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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