Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
