Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
