at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
