I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize