Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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